


Look At Who

by Coby_Thinks



Series: L.A.W. AU [6]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, Non-binary character, and sweeter, but there is still plenty of angst, haha - Freeform, have another one, its shorter, mwahahahahaha, oh calm down this one isn't too bad, self discovery, yada yada, yeet, you know the drill by now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22728058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks
Summary: Toby was never quite sure where they fit into the world - but after reuniting with their brother Ethan and Ethan's boyfriends (Roman, Logan, and Virgil) Toby starts to learn more about the world, identity, and where they fit into it all.Warnings: Child abuse, violence, self-deprecation, mentions of injuries.
Relationships: DLAP
Series: L.A.W. AU [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1504187
Comments: 17
Kudos: 65





	Look At Who

**Author's Note:**

> You thought I was done? You thought you were SAFE? THINK AGAIN. Here's another one-shot for my L.A.W. AU!! Toby-centric this time!!! BECAUSE I CAN!!!
> 
> Enjoy! ^-^

Toby grimaced, trying to pull out of his father's grip. He thought he'd been careful. He'd checked Ethans schedule, told his parents he only worked today, and he'd still screwed up.

Just like when he made Ethan dislike him by being annoying. Just like when he asked so many stupid questions he could have just googled instead.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Father snarled, pulling Toby out of the museum with mom trailing behind, baffled. "That f*gg*t doesn't deserve to be alive, let alone-"

"Don't call him that!" Toby snapped, managing to wiggle away. "Listen, I don't-" he gasped, doubling over when father punched him in the chest.

"Jared!" Mom gasped. "What are you doing?"

"This piece of shit thinks he knows more than I do." Father snarled. "Tell her, Toby. Who's in there?"

"...Ethan." Toby whispered guiltily. "But-" father punched him again, knocking Toby's head back. 

"Jared!"

"Shut up, woman!" Father yelled, beating Toby into the wall of the museum. Toby whimpered, clamping his eyes shut.

"Hey! Stop!" In moments, the assault stopped. Toby slid down the wall, still covering his head as museum security pulled father away. He heard sirens, and his mom's voice, but only looked up when two others broke his terror.

"Toby! Oh my god, you're bleeding!" Sarah pulled his hands down, cupping his chin gently.

"The man is gone." Mitch reported, tone as flat as ever. "Are you… alright?"

"Does it look like he's alright?" Sarah snapped, pulling Toby to his feet. 

Toby winced, gingerly reaching to feel his face. Bloody nose, split lip, and pain. 

Awesome. If this was anything like what Ethan had gone through the night he left… fuck. Toby's eyes widened. Ethan.

“What do you need?” Sarah asked gently. “I can’t believe… you’re at work! Who was that guy? He just fully traumatized a third-grade field trip, too. Oh, I’ll be having fun explaining that to their parents.”

“I-I’m okay.” Toby stammered. “Where’s Ethan?”

“Ethan?” Sarah frowned. “He was only here for a second. Oh, let’s get you an ice pack.” Toby let her pull him into the breakroom, past a few museum patrons who watched with scandalized expressions. Awesome.

“Who was that?” Mitch asked, fishing an ice pack from the freezer.

“My dad.” Toby muttered. “He saw me talking to Ethan and flipped out. Ethan was just here, he’s-”

“I thought Ethan was your brother.” Mitch frowned.

“Mitch, cut it out!” Sarah snapped, socking him in the shoulder. “We just had a crisis, and it’s not your business!”

“Fine. Ethan’s stuff is in the lab, want me to get it or…?”

“He left his stuff?” Toby stood up, swatting away Sarah’s hands as she tried to push him down. “He needs his cane to walk, god he’s such an idiot!”

Ethan’s phone was ringing when Toby got to the lab. He winced, answering it.

“Virgil…” Toby sighed, closing his eyes. “This is Toby.”

“Oh, hey Tobes.” Virgil sounded surprised. “Where’s Ethan?”

“I don’t know, he’s gone.” Toby leaned on the table, staring at Ethan’s stuff. “It’s… our dad showed up. Freaked out. He left his stuff, and I don’t…”

“We’re on the way.” Virgil said hurriedly. “Hold tight.”

* * *

When he was around fifteen, Toby had become obsessed with his older brother. He’d vanished years ago - but before then, he’d been Toby’s idol. He knew by then not to ask his parents what happened, but that didn’t stop him from wondering.

Ethan was obsessed with snakes. So, Toby started looking at different colleges and programs, checking out books from the library, and doing his own research.

He just… missed his brother.

He hadn’t imagined that Ethan missed him, either. 

Now, though, with Ethan passed out on Toby’s shoulder, arms still circled protectively around him, Toby wasn’t so sure.

When he first met Ethan, he thought there could be no way this guy was his brother. Eight months later, here he was. Ethan was less of an asshole, and Toby was less annoying.

“Want some hot chocolate?” Virgil asked softly, draping a blanket over the two of them. Toby shrugged. “Come on, I need an answer.”

“Yeah, sure.” Toby sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize!” Roman scolded. “This isn’t your fault, okay?”

“I could have…”

“Toby.” Toby looked up when Logan spoke. So far, he’d been fairly silent, staring at his hands. Now, he was staring at Toby with a furrowed brow. “You can’t control your parents actions and you can’t control the past.”

“I can still regret it.” Toby pointed out. “I made a mistake, guys. I could have told Ethan that they were coming. Bam. Problem solved. They haven’t let us talk about Ethan for eight years. I know they don’t like him. They’re bigoted idiots. I was just too much of a wimp to tell him I still talked to them.”

“You’re more like Ethan than I thought.” Remy muttered, rolling his eyes. “You’re both stubborn idiots who blame themselves about everything.”

“Thanks.” Toby muttered, adjusting so Ethan could lay more comfortably.

“Sorry, I’m stressed out!” Remy sighed. “So where’s your dear old dad now?”

“Sarah said he was arrested.” Toby frowned. “He was on camera in the museum when he hit me and pulled me away. And on camera - not to mention in front of other people - when he freaked out on me. After hearing what he said to Ethan…” Toby winced at the lack of guilt he felt for what he was about to say. “I’m planning on pressing charges.”

“Wh- seriously?” Roman sat up straighter, eyes wide in surprise. “They’re your parents!”

“He told Ethan he wanted him to die!” Toby snapped. Roman winced, looking down. “Sorry. I just… I guess I should feel bad, but it’s not like he hasn’t hit me before. Or my mom and sister. He’s always been a dick. This is the last straw.”

“I think it’s a good idea.” Remy supplied softly. “I mean, I never met the guy. But you and Ethan both seem to have some kind of trauma associated with him.”

Toby looked down at Ethan’s face, which was scarred so much that it was hard to tell they were brothers. He thought about the way Ethan had freaked out, inspecting his face carefully before falling asleep.

“I think that’s an understatement.”

* * *

“Geez, how many of those have you read?” Toby looked up in surprise when Virgil spoke, flopping onto the couch next to him. “Never thought you were a bookworm.”

“I got bored.” Toby shrugged. He’d been hanging out at their house a lot recently, and was currently waiting for Ethan to get back from a physical therapy appointment. “Did Roman really write all these?”

“Yep.” Virgil picked up one of the books from the coffee table. “This was his first one, and then…” Virgil arranged the books in order, and Toby watched curiously. 

“He knows about a lot of stuff,” Toby said, looking down at the book he was holding - and the space Virgil had left for it in the middle of the row. 

“He researches what he needs to.” Virgil chuckled. “Very strange and niche topics, too. But a lot about Queer experience, and mythology and history.”

“I noticed that!” Toby grinned, meeting Virgil’s gaze. The emo had always intimidated him - he wasn’t sure how Ethan had ever been able to approach him - but after talking a few times, he knew Virgil meant no harm. “All the books I’ve read so far have had real people in them, y’know? Like, I had a lot of friends that are queer. And a lot that aren’t. And he’s good at that.”

“I know.” Virgil chuckled. “He’s kind of an icon.”

“Yeah.” Toby frowned, closing his book and inspecting the cover. Each of Roman’s covers incorporated specific colors. He knew the first one was a trans flag - Virgil had one hanging up in the living room, so he recognized it - and another was a regular rainbow theme, there were a lot Toby didn’t even know. Including this one.

“God, how did we not know you were his brother?” Virgil elbowed Toby lightly. “You both have that look on your face when you’re thinking.”

“What look?” Toby asked, scowling.

“The look that makes it seem like you’re trying to psychically control objects.” Virgil shrugged. “What’s on the mind, dude?”

Toby frowned again, putting the book into its place on the table.

“Y’don't have to tell me.” Virgil added quickly. “I just wanna help. You’ve had a rough few weeks, Toby.”

“Oh, really?” Toby put on a false look of surprise. “Are you sure?”

Virgil laughed again, brushing hair from his eyes.

“Yeah, okay.”

“The covers are based on pride flags.” Toby said, scanning them again. “Right?”

“Yeah, or at least the fiction ones are.” Virgil pulled the third book a little forward. “I started helping with the design after this one - the first three Remy did. This third one is based on a true story, and it’s not exactly queer.”

“I read that one.” Toby picked it up. “It was… sad. I guess. I dunno, I related to it.”

“Thought you might.” Virgil nodded. “What about the flags?”

“This is trans.” Toby tapped the first one. “And I know the gay flag. But what are the others?” what was the one he was currently reading? With a character that reminded him a lot of himself?

“Ohh.” Virgil laughed. “Well, this one is the pansexual.” the second one. “This is the ace.” the fourth. “And this is the non-binary flag.” the fifth. The one Toby was actually curious about.

“What’s that?” Toby interrupted, picking up the book again.

“Non-binary?” Virgil brushed hair from his eyes again. “Hah, I keep forgetting that you don’t know much about us.”

“I’ve been meaning to look it up.” Toby said softly, biting his lip. “It’s just been…”

“Yeah.” Virgil sighed, stretching. “Well, you know what binary is, right? Bi meaning two or more? It’s a gender thing.”

Oh.

“Some people aren’t a man or a woman.” Virgil continued. “Doesn’t matter what they were assigned at birth - like how I’m a man despite my DNA.”

“Yeah.” Toby flipped through the pages again, curiosity growing. 

“So binary people are those who feel they’re perfectly male or perfectly female.” Virgil said. “Like I’m a binary trans person. And Roman’s a binary cis person - as far as I know.”

“And non-binary people aren’t.” Toby finished, nodding slowly. “Okay.”

“Ethan mentioned you asked a lot of questions.” Virgil chuckled. Toby flushed.

“H-Hey! I’d just realized… I didn’t mean to bug him like that. I just didn’t… know how to…” Toby sighed, shoulders falling in defeat. “Yeah, I ask too many questions. Sorry.”

“Hey, no worries!” Virgil elbowed him again. “Questions are good, alright? You know more now.”

“Yeah.” Toby nodded, putting the book back down. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Hey, no problem.” Virgil ruffled his hair. “Did ya know Logan and I used to run a GSA at college? They have a great program now, thanks to him. He did most of the research, and I just learned it because he likes to talk!”

“He does?” Toby hadn’t seen Logan talk too much without needing to.

“Ah, yeah.” Virgil frowned. “He’s working through some repression issues with it… it’s a long story. What ya need to know, is if you wanna see Logan be Logan, ask him about space or psychology.”

“Alright-” Toby nodded, then hesitated. He wanted to know more about being non-binary. Before he could speak, however, the front door flew open dramatically.

“WE HAVE RETURNED!” Roman sang loudly, spreading his arms as he strode in, followed by Logan and Ethan. “Did you miss us?”

“Yes.” Virgil rolled his eyes and stood up. “Toby was just getting turned into a bookworm, thanks to you.”

“I’m not a bookworm!” Toby protested. “I just-”

“You actually know how to read?” Ethan asked, putting a hand on his chest in shock. Toby pouted.

“I’m taking the same Herpetology course as you did, dummy. Of course I can read.” Toby put the book he was holding down and sighed. “How did your thing go?”

“Painfully.” Ethan sighed, sitting on the other couch. “My own fault, I guess, for letting my leg get screwed up.”

“None of that.” Logan said softly, adjusting his glasses. Ethan watched him curiously for a moment, wondering if Virgil had been telling the truth about his personality. “You can’t change the past.”

He was right, Toby thought to himself. He watched Ethan as the other made a face, burying his head in his hands. They couldn't change the past, but they could sure as hell want to.

* * *

For once in his life, Toby actually researched something.

It just felt weird to ask Virgil or any of his brothers boyfriends too many questions about LGBTQ+ stuff. Toby could remember the day he’d first learned Ethan was gay, and he’d pissed him off. That, and it felt invasive. Especially to ask about gender stuff, when Virgil had a hard enough time figuring himself out years ago.

No need to pry.

So Toby researched by himself.

Literally, by himself. He was at the park, laptop open on the table before him, scrolling slowly through one of many articles and blogs he’d found about gender.

He’d never given it much thought, really. Especially with the way his parents didn’t let a word about the community enter their home. But now, after cutting ties with them and his sister, and getting closer to Ethan and his boyfriends, Toby was allowed to think about it. 

And it was confusing as hell.

He’d discovered, recently, that brains had no gender. That biologically confusing people existed between the binary genders. He’d learned label after label after label, and he was still more confused than ever.

Not only that, but some things he’d learned in passing from Remy and Roman were making a lot of sense too.

Roman was asexual - which Toby had discovered meant he didn’t feel sexually attracted to people. He was also sex-repulsed, but apparently, not all asexuals were.

Remy was aromantic. Which was the same thing but with romantic stuff instead, even if he did indulge in romantic stuff sometimes.

Toby eavesdropped way too much for his own good. He grimaced, flushing even though none of them knew about it yet. 

So asexual. Aromantic. And another label he’d come across just today - agender.

Three a’s.

And they all made way too much sense.

Toby closed the laptop, biting his lip. His lip? Their lip? Her lip? God, what was even the difference? It didn’t matter. Why didn’t it matter?

It mattered to Virgil. He very confidently only wanted to be called ‘he’. Same with a lot of people Toby knew, with any pronouns. 

So why couldn't Toby seem to care about any of that?

Did Toby even know… who he was? He’d thought he did. He’d been sure he was just a straight, cisgender guy.

But that was before he even knew there were more options.

“You seem upset.”

Toby’s head flew up in surprise to find that Mitch - the recent trainee at the museum - had sat across the picnic table from him. 

“Oh, hey.” Toby rubbed his eyes. Their eyes? Her eyes? Toby’s eyes. “What’re you doing here?”

“Sitting.” Mitch shrugged. “What is wrong?”

“Hah,” Toby sighed, leaning on one hand. Mitch was obviously trying to not sound like his usual robotic self. It was… strange. “Just an identity crisis. Nothing new, I guess.”

“Everyone has those.” Mitch said casually. “What is your crisis about?”

This was more than Toby had ever heard Mitch say at once, if he wasn’t talking with museum patrons.

“How much d’you know about the Queer Community?” Toby sighed at last, looking up at Mitch. Mitch blinked back impassively.

“A lot.” he replied easily. 

“Oh.” Toby blinked a few times, thrown off. “Really?” Mitch nodded, folding his hands on top of the table.

“I go to all the GSA events - I never saw you there,” he said slowly. “So this is a new identity crisis for you?”

“Yep.” Toby nodded, frowning. “There’s a GSA on campus?”

“Yes. I go to all their events.” Mitch repeated. “What is your crisis?”

“You sound like a crisis line operator.” Toby chuckled. Mitch nodded, and a hint of a smile pulled at his mouth. Toby was surprised for a moment, but didn’t mention it. He’d only seen Mitch smile at children and snakes before.

“What is the crisis?” Mitch repeated.

“I don’t know who the hell I am, that’s the crisis.” Toby sighed. “I never let myself think about being anything but me. And now that I’m looking it up to understand better, I have no idea what to do. What am I supposed to do?”

“What feels right?” Mitch asked, head tilted slightly.

“Three things, kinda.” Toby opened his computer again, scowling at the loading screen. “Ace - which I heard about from Ethan’s boyfriend. Aro, which I heard about from Ethan’s regular friend, and then Agender, which I found online.”

“You’re a battery.” Mitch announced.

Toby stared at him.

“Triple-A?” Mitch shrugged.

“Oh.” Toby grinned, realizing that he’d been making a joke. He laughed, nodding. “I guess so.”

“So, what is the crisis?” Mitch wondered. “You seem to know what’s going on.”

“Well, yeah, but…” Toby sighed. “I’m almost twenty years old, and I never knew who I was! It’s…”

“Normal.” Mitch finished. “Everyone deals with this. I did, I’m sure Ethan and his boyfriends did, and I’m sure his friend did. Everyone does.”

“Yeah?” Toby smiled, relieved.

“Yes.” Mitch stood up, dusting off his pants. Toby watched him curiously. “Now that you know, you get to decide what to do.”

“Awesome.” Toby sighed, heart sinking. What on earth was Toby supposed to do next?

* * *

“Toby, you’re being quiet.” Ethan said accusingly. Toby looked up from their textbook, surprised. “What’s going on?”

“Why do you think something’s going on?” Toby asked innocently. “I can be quiet!”

“No you can’t.” Ethan rolled his eyes.

“Wow, rude.” Toby scoffed. “Why don’t you get back to snake paperwork?”

“I’m done. Now spill.” Ethan snapped his computer shut and dramatically leaned across the table, fluttering his eyelashes. Toby laughed. “Come on. You said no more secrets.”

“Oh yeah.” Toby had said that, hadn’t they? “Uh…” they’d wanted to tell Ethan about it ever since they figured it out in the park that day. But… what was Ethan going to say? He probably wouldn’t be mad, so Toby didn’t have to worry about that. But it was still… terrifying.

“Yeah?” Ethan raised an eyebrow, and Toby could tell he was getting worried. Crap. They didn’t want to worry anyone about it.

“I’m…” what was Toby supposed to say? How to explain this? Before they could think it through - they’d already said the first thing to pop into their mind. “I’m a battery.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Ethan asked, leaning back in his chair.

Toby sighed and lay their head on the table, eyes closed.

“Toby, what the fuck does that mean?” Ethan laughed awkwardly, poking their head with a pencil. 

“Triple-A,” Toby mumbled, quoting Mitch from the park. “Ace, aro, and agender.”

“...oh.” Ethan stopped laughing, and put the pencil down. “Okay - oh my god. Did you come out to me using a fucking pun?”

“I didn’t mean to!” Toby protested, lifting their head again. “It was the first thing I could think of! I panicked!”

“I’m changing your name in my phone to battery.” Ethan declared, pulling it out immediately.

“Ethan, no fair!” Toby scowled. “Are you serious?”

“Hell yeah.” Ethan grinned.

“You’re an ass.” Toby informed him. Ethan shrugged.

“I can’t believe that happened.” he snickered, then frowned thoughtfully and looked back to Toby. “okay… so I know ace and aro pretty well, and I understand agender. But what’re your pronouns?”

Oh, Toby had really been hoping Ethan didn’t ask that. They shrugged, looking away.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I dunno, I don’t care.” Toby held their hands up defensively. “Gender isn’t even fucking real, you know? Call me whatever you want I guess.”

“Okay, edgelord.” Ethan rolled his eyes. “You’ve been hanging out with Virgil too much.”

“I’m not the one dating him.”

“I hope not!” Ethan faked worry. “He’s like ten years older than you!”

“I can’t have one serious conversation with you.” Toby groaned.

“Oh, come on. I can be serious.” Ethan grinned. “About some things.”

“What, about snakes?” Toby raised an eyebrow.

“Exactly.”

“I give up.” Toby lay their head on the table again.

“Okay, okay.” Ethan laughed. “I’m sorry. Just any pronouns, then?” Toby nodded. “Got it.” the two fell silent for a moment, and Toby lifted their head curiously when Ethan didn’t say anything.

“...you good?” they asked, resting their chin on one hand. Ethan nodded.

“Just, thanks for telling me.” he flushed slightly, looking at the table. “I know you didn’t have to, and… to be fair, you shouldn’t trust me that much.”

“What?” Toby lifted their head the rest of the way, staring at Ethan incredulously. “Why the hell wouldn’t I trust you? You’re my brother!”

“Uh, yeah, but I haven’t exactly been the greatest!”

“Ugh, this again?” Toby groaned, rubbing their eyes. “Ethan, I told you, I’m not mad at you for running off. Okay?”

“I know you’re not.” Ethan sighed. “But I’m mad at me, alright? Yeah, I get that it couldn't be avoided, but I still wish I’d been there for you more. I guess, I dunno, I just don’t feel like I deserve your trust.”

“Why?” Toby frowned. “Are you gonna freak out about it?”

“Wh- no!” Ethan’s eyes widened. “I would never!”

“Then why are you worried about it?” Toby laughed, running a hand through their hair. “Look at you, Ethan. Look at who you are. Look at me. Look at who I am. Are we anything like we were all those years ago?”

“...no.” Ethan twisted his hair absently, but shook his head.

“Exactly.” Toby smiled. “I never stopped caring about you, alright? Why do you think I started studying herpetology in the first place?”

“Well it certainly wasn’t a passion for snakes.” Ethan noted. Toby kicked him under the table. “Ow!”

“I did it because it reminded me of you, dumbass. I’m trying to be a sap, so let me.”

“Hey, I’m still older than you, you have to listen to me!”

“I never have to listen to you.”

“That’s what you think.” Ethan muttered, rolling his eyes. “And being a sap doesn’t suit you, Tobes. You know that.”

“Doesn’t stop me from trying.” Toby grinned, and Ethan met their gaze with a resigned sigh.

“No, I suppose it doesn’t.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? I realized Toby was gonna go and be non-binary while writing him for Love And Wounds but it really didn't fit the plot. But I really wanted to put it in somewhere.
> 
> So here!
> 
> I love you all,
> 
> -Coby


End file.
